Lines Come To Standstill Outside Wisconsin Polls After State’s Official Voting Pen Rolls Under Vending Machine

MADISON—Authorities confirmed Wednesday that the already long six-hour lines had come to a standstill at Wisconsin polls after the state’s official voting pen rolled under a vending machine. “We regret to inform voters that earlier today, an elderly poll worker mistakenly dropped the only available voting pen in all of Wisconsin and watched helplessly as it went past the bubbler and got stuck in a dark, hard to reach corner,” said Wisconsin Elections Commission spokesperson Katheryn Vanderheyden, adding that already overrun polls would be closed statewide until the writing utensil, which was the only utensil allowed to be used to cast a vote since 1978, could be located and returned. “As of this morning, we know that the pen is pert’ near the back. We just don’t know where about that darn thing went. Officials have tried everything from shining a flashlight down there and looking for a stick or something to fish it out, believe you me.” At press time, the Supreme Court had reportedly ordered the polls to shut down once again after election authorities located the pen, only to find out it was out of ink.