Old front pages of The Onion newspaper

Get The Paper. Become A Member.

Friday, September 20, 2024

76°

Rain-sized rain

America’s Finest News Source

News
Local
Politics
Entertainment
Sports
Opinion

News
Local
Politics
Entertainment
Sports
Opinion

Friday, September 20, 2024

76°

Rain-sized rain

Become A Member

The Latest
News
Local
Politics
Entertainment
Sports
Opinion
Video
Search
Horoscopes
About Us
The Onion Store
- Instagram
- Twitter
- Facebook
- YouTube
- TikTok
- Bluesky

Official The Onion merchandise that can be found in The Onion store.

Shop The Online Store.

Instagram
Twitter
Facebook
YouTube
TikTok
Bluesky

Share

Share on Facebook
Share on X
Share on LinkedIn
Share on SMS
Email this Page

Lifetime Of Sleeping, Eating, Breathing Finally Catches Up To Area Man

Share

Share on Facebook
Share on X
Share on LinkedIn
Share on SMS
Email this Page

Published:

August 4, 2009

Advertising

Continued on next page

Explore Tags

Vol 45: Issue 32

Related Coverage

Scarecrow Has Double Ds
New Homeowners Thrilled To Find Pentagram Carved Into Hardwood Floor Under Carpet
Actor Informed Producers Decided To Go With A Dog For The Role

Advertising

Trending News

Local

Scarecrow Has Double Ds
News

Mother Earth Insists She Doesn’t Want Any Pagan Sacrifices This Equinox

Recent News

American Black Nazi Party Worried Mark Robinson Could Hurt Other Candidates Down Ballot
Lt. Gov. Mark Robinson: ‘We All Have Crazy Ideas About Slavery When We’re Horny’
Scarecrow Has Double Ds
Hellspawn Annoyed By Sound Of Earth’s Residents Stomping Around Overhead
Mother Earth Insists She Doesn’t Want Any Pagan Sacrifices This Equinox

Join The Millions Of Others Who Entered In Their Credit Card Number.

Become An Onion Member Today

Read More

Diddy Arrested On Sex Trafficking Charges
Israel Detonates Electronics Purchased By Hezbollah In Widespread Attack
What To Know About ‘The Golden Bachelorette’
FDA Approves New AirPods As Hearing Aids

Your Horoscope — Today’s Birthday

Virgo

(August 23 to September 22):

With the sun now moving through your sign, you need to decide if it’s time to make a change or stick with your usual Denny’s order.

Read Your Horoscope

Subscribe for all the latest Headlines

"*" indicates required fields

Subscribe For All the Latest Headlines*

Δ

Please review our Privacy Policy for detailed information on how we handle your newsletter data.

Sections

The Latest
News
Local
Politics
Entertainment
Sports
Opinion
Video

Explore

Search
About Us
Become a Member
The Onion Store
Front Page Archive
Jobs

© 2024

The Onion

Instagram
Twitter
Facebook
YouTube
TikTok
Bluesky