Last Hoosier Dies In Captivity

BLOOMINGTON, IN—Americans across the country mourned Saturday after the world’s last remaining Hoosier, Austin, died in captivity inside the Indiana University research center and preserve, where it lived out the final years of its life. “This is a trying day for the residents of this state who have long felt a spiritual connection with these native creatures,” said Dr. Roger Sanburn, who spent the last six years with the Hoosier and described the species as generally meek, but scrappy. “He was a beautiful specimen, a 6-foot-3 Caucasian subset, who loved big meals of chicken and mashed potatoes, and whose favorite activity was playing basketball with the scientists and research assistants who studied him.” Sanburn confirmed that attempts to breed the endangered Hoosier over the past several years proved unsuccessful due to rejection from females.