KNOB CREEK, KY—In an incident that has shocked and repulsed even the most fervent free-expression advocates, controversial Hustler magazine publisher Larry Flynt had sexual intercourse with his own mother in an outhouse Monday.
According to reports, not only did Flynt place his mother “face-first in an outhouse shit-hole” near Flynt’s poverty-stricken, white trash, backwoods place of birth before “taking her from behind like a dog,” but he was also surrounded by pigs, sheep, convicted felons, born-again evangelists, Mafia-linked magazine distributors, and a huge-phallused caricature of Santa Claus at the time.
Particularly nauseating, sources say, was the fact that during the incestuous act, Flynt’s colostomy bag exploded violently, covering Flynt, his mother, and all onlookers in a torrential shower of his own feces. Flynt, who is described by close friends and colleagues as a “perverted bastard,” does not possess control over his own bowels.
The liaison, which is said to have been possibly the single most obscene and degrading act in human history, has left everyone from right-wing Christian leaders to ACLU lawyers to Larry Flynt himself condemning the sickening, depraved display.
“I cannot in good conscience allow myself to continue this sick, hideous abomination against all that is decent,” Flynt said shortly after completion of the sexual liaison. “Our nation’s children must be protected from filth like myself!”
Flynt added that videos of the event are available for $29.95 from Larry Flynt Publications, Inc.
Though confined to a wheelchair after being paralyzed by an assailant’s bullet during a Georgia obscenity trial in 1978, Flynt, who can feel no sensation beneath the waist, was able to achieve erection and sexually penetrate his 81-year-old mother, Dolores Flynt. His success was largely due to a special penile implant that allows him to partially imitate the mechanics of sexual intercourse in a grotesque parody of the act of human love.
“If the Constitution will protect me, then it will protect all of you, because I’m the worst,” Flynt said. “But this time, I’ve gone too far. I swear to God, I’ll sue the pants off myself for doing this to Mama, even if I have to chase myself all the way to the Supreme Court.”
ACLU lawyer Dan Glickman agreed with Flynt. “The right of all Americans to free expression, no matter how offensive that expression may seem to others, is the cornerstone of the liberties we as a nation hold as our highest principles,” Glickman said. “Nonetheless, I think we should fry that sick Larry Flynt bastard.”
In the wake of the incident, Flynt held a special prayer service Tuesday at his Los Angeles-area mansion. “And now, let us lower our heads in silent prayer,” Flynt, hands folded, told the assembled crowd. “Sweet Jesus in heaven, hallelujah. Praised be our Savior on high. Christ, we beseech you in Your Father’s name, save us all, in Your mercy, from me, Larry Flynt, a sick, disgusting, crippled, drug-addled, perverted, fat, shit-covered pig of a man who would just as soon vomit in Your Most Holy face as listen to this sanctimonious, hypocritical bullshit a minute longer. Holy shit, there I go again, Lord!”
Flynt’s mother was unavailable for comment at press time, as she was posing for a pictorial in her son’s magazine.
