Kool-Aid, Hi-C Make Backroom Deal To Destroy Tang

NORTHFIELD, IL—Executives for Kool-Aid and Hi-C met at an undisclosed location Monday to map out a plan to drive Tang out of business. “The tween market isn’t big enough for three non-carbonated beverages,” Kool-Aid CEO Robert Eckert told Hi-C executive Jason Frie. “Capri Sun and Sunny D play ball, but Tang won’t budge. So we’re gonna squeeze them so hard, even the astronauts won’t drink it. Oh, yeah!” Bordon crushed out his cigarette and added, “I want you to stick it so deep in Tang’s asshole, you make the Wyler’s hit look like a movie date.”