Jordan Peterson Disgusted By Society Celebrating 2,560-Pound Minnesota Pumpkin

TORONTO—In a critique of what he described as a “warped” perspective on weight, media personality and psychologist Jordan Peterson expressed disgust Tuesday over the enthusiastic reception given to a 2,560-pound prize-winning pumpkin from Minnesota. “There’s just no way that pumpkin is healthy, and no amount of tolerance from woke authoritarians is ever going to change that,” Peterson said of the gourd that was feted this week at the 49th-annual World Championship Pumpkin Weigh-Off, stating that no pumpkin weighing in excess of a ton should be celebrated by a proper society. “Considering the extent to which political correctness has undermined our culture, I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before I’m seeing these plus-size pumpkins on the cover of the weekly sale circular at my local supermarket. Clearly a civilization is in decline when it expects men to be attracted to any pumpkin that heavy.” At press time, a visibly aroused Jordan Peterson was seen caressing a shapely, petite squash in a grocery store’s produce aisle.