Jellyfish Falls Short Of Dream To Kill Diana Nyad

GULF OF MEXICO—Just one day after Diana Nyad completed her record-breaking swim from Cuba to Florida, a local box jellyfish expressed its deep disappointment Tuesday morning at narrowly failing to achieve its lifelong dream of killing the 64-year-old swimmer. “From the time I was just a young ephyra, I’ve dreamt of the day I would sting Diana Nyad so many times that she’d die,” said the highly venomous Tripedalia cystophora, who reportedly faced numerous adverse conditions throughout the 103-mile swim including choppy currents, varying water temperatures, and Nyad’s special facial gear and skin cream that protected her from jellyfish stings. “To have a dream like this, and to train for years only to come up short, is a pretty heartbreaking thing for me. And this was my chance, ya know? I’m certainly not getting any younger, and I doubt I’ll ever get that close to her again.” At press time, the box jellyfish told reporters it hopes to recover from the personal defeat by killing the 8-year-old girl currently drifting toward it in Key West.