Israel Deploys Low-Speed Targeted Rockets That Follow Individual Palestinians Around Throughout Day

JERUSALEM—In a major technological breakthrough, the Israel Defense Forces reportedly deployed new low-speed rockets Wednesday that follow individual Palestinian residents around throughout the day. “Moving at speeds of three to five miles per hour, these rockets will always be trailing 10 feet behind all Palestinians at all times,” said IDF Lt. Col. Yosef Levi, who confirmed the Israeli military had launched 5.3 million missiles after announcing the entire Palestinian population was “an imminent threat.” “These unique, groundbreaking missile systems are capable of trailing inhabitants of the West Bank and Gaza Strip while they work, while they travel, and even inside their homes. For their own safety, we are asking Palestinians not to travel at any speed faster than a brisk walk; otherwise, we will be forced to interpret your hurried pace as aggression and detonate the warhead.” At press time, the IDF argued that the rockets trailing children were only trying to get to the terrorists directly in front of them.