Irate Astros Fan Can’t Believe Gun Sales Cut Off After Seventh Inning

HOUSTON—Voicing his displeasure with the official Minute Maid Park policy, irate Houston Astros fan Rylan Murphy told reporters Monday he couldn’t believe they cut off gun sales after the seventh inning. “It is such arbitrary bullshit that they won’t sell you a gun in the last two innings even though that can be another hour of game time,” said the season-ticket holder, adding that even when he tried to load up on handguns in the sixth, he inevitably wanted another one by the top of the ninth. “For Pete’s sake, what the hell do they think we’re gonna do with them? They can’t trust Astros fans with a couple more guns at the end of the game? With how much they make us pay for them, you’d think they’d be more tolerant of letting us get a gun whenever we want, not just in the first few innings. It’s not like the guns are even big. I don’t know how I’m supposed to get rid of the taste of peanuts without putting a pistol in my mouth.” At press time, Murphy was eyeing the scoreboard and desperately trying to hail one of the stadium’s gun vendors walking through seats several sections away.