Inmate Regrets Wearing Shorts To Execution After Feeling Thighs Stick To Electric Chair

COLUMBIA, SC—Groaning in disgust at the uncomfortable sensation, local inmate Thomas McLean reportedly regretted wearing shorts to his execution Wednesday after feeling his thighs stick to the electric chair. “Good God, I bet they never clean these things, either,” said the convicted murderer, who fidgeted in the seat of the electrocution device and grimaced as he tugged at the hems of his shorts in vain. “Ew, ew, ew—what was I thinking? No human being deserves this. I’ve been sitting here for like three hours, too. When are they going to get this over with? Christ, I’m so sweaty. Hopefully none of the witnesses are looking at my disgusting legs.” At press time, witnesses confirmed McLean was using his final words to beg the family members of his victim for their pants.