In Attempt To Jump-Start Economy, Obama Declares Tuesdays Ladies' Night

WASHINGTON—As part of his administration’s continued efforts to stimulate the economy and liven up a slow weeknight, President Obama announced today that, effective immediately, Tuesdays will be half-off for ladies nationwide. “It is imperative to our economic health that we inject capital wisely and get some blondes in here, preferably hot young ones,” said Obama, who submitted a proposal before Congress to increase tube-top usage by 200 percent. “We can only escape this recession with the full cooperation of the American people—so ladies, please, bring your girlfriends. When did this country turn into such a sausage fest?” According to estimates by the Department of the Interior, the first national Ladies’ Night will be attended by an estimated 117 million men and one bachelorette party.