During my long life, I have always tried to keep abreast of the latest foreign affairs. And indeed, very little has ever missed my attention. Imagine, then, my shock when my nurse read to me the news that the Burger-King intends to compete more aggressively in the U.S. and foreign markets this fiscal year.
Somehow, this “Burger-King” had never before been brought to my attention. Here was a potentially grave threat to the liberty and security of our great Republic, and no one bothered to tell me about him? Incensed, I called an emergency meeting in the War Room, and you can be sure I gave a severe dressing-down to my aide-de-camps, henchmen and sycophants.
“Burger-King is not a threat to national security,” Beavers, one of my advisors, told me. “Not a threat? What if he plans to invade?” I barked. Beavers replied that the Burger-King is not a head of state, but rather a restauranteur, a vendor of foodstuffs.
A man who rules a kingdom of meat? Evidently, it is so. The Burger-King has grown wealthy by creating and selling sandwiches made of ground oxen in as many as a dozen restaurants of uniform appearance sporting his name and image. In addition to ox-meat, one may also purchase and consume sandwiches of wild game and the fishes of the sea, as well as several medicinal drinks that bubble and fizz.
Though no more than a glorified fry-cook, this man immodestly calls himself the Burger-King. Indeed, he has won over many supporters and well-wishers, as he is one of the richest plutocrats in the world. I have it on good authority, however, that he faces stiff rivalry from, of all people, a Scottish clown. Despite his foolish and grotesque appearance, this painted jester also owns several restaurants, and the meat of the clown is exhorted as being finer than that of the Burger-King.
I am requesting an audience with this Burger-King, and perhaps the Scottish clown as well. “Burger-King,” my eye! What right does this man have to call himself a king? This is a land of plenty, not plenipotentiaries! I will meet this Burger-King, and tan his jacket thoroughly.
T. Herman Zweibel, the great grandson of Onion founder Friedrich Siegfried Zweibel, was born in 1868, became editor of The Onion at age 20, and persisted in various editorial posts until his launching into space in 2001. Zweibel’s name became synonymous with American business success in the 20th century. Many consider him the “Father Of American Journalism,” also the title of his well-known 1943 biography, written by Norman Rombauer.
