Hola amigos. Whassup? I know it’s been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I’ve had a lot of shit going down. You know how it goes. Same old, same old. Like the wise man said, “The more things change, the more they stay the same.”
For once, my car ain’t giving me hassles, except, of course, for the most crucial element. The damn tape deck ate my Led Zeppelin II tape. One minute, I’m shaking my head along with John Bonham’s thunderous drumming on “Moby Dick”; the next minute, my whole groove is derailed. Man, I was pissed! Let me tell you something–I ain’t feeding any more tapes to that machine.
On top of that, I’ve been busting my nuts at this oil-change place. See, I figured it would be a good place to work ’cause I’d be able to do some work on my own car while I was there. Problem is, I’ve got no time to do that, because the place has one of those deals where your oil change will be done in under 10 minutes, or it’s free. Well, it ain’t actually free. Guess who’s gotta pay for it if it takes 11 minutes. That’s why we have to push those cars out as fast as we can. And, all the while, the boss-man is riding our asses with a stopwatch. What a prick.
Things aren’t all bad, though. I’ve been really expanding my interests lately, getting into politics. See, there’s this awesome song by The Guess Who called “American Woman.” It’s got this screaming guitar lick, only it’s not cranked up. It’s kinda subtle. Anyway, the other day, I was listening to the radio because, like I said, no tape deck, and the song came on. Well, I was singing along, just thinking it was about some woman, and then the DJ came on and said it was really about the Statue of Liberty and was written during the Vietnam War. Whoah! Without me realizing it, they had been singing about how bad the Vietnam War was. Just like the guitar lick was subtle, so was the true meaning of the song. So now, Burton Cummings is right up there for me.
Like I said, “American Woman” really woke me up to all the political shit that’s been going down. Like this whole business with the president. Now, old Bill isn’t much to look at, but he still gets so much tail. Every time I turn on the news, I hear about how he got a blow job or how he got another blow job or how he’s going to get impeached. Just because some chick gave him head!
As I’m sure you know, a lot of these politicians are crooks. But I if I ever became a politician, I would remain faithful to everything I stand for–beers, cars and weed. If elected, the first thing I’d do is make radar guns illegal. I’d make up some shit about how they were causing cancer and were bad for the environment because of the radar beams. Soon, everyone would be jumping on the Anchower bandwagon, and I’d be King Shit. People would be talking about how I saved the environment and saved lives, while those in the know would be grateful that I saved them from getting more speeding tickets.
After that, I’d outlaw bill collectors. Lately, there are these bill collectors who’ve been hounding me to pony up for some Grand Funk tapes I ordered through BMG, and another bunch who are hounding me for three months of unpaid cable. I told them I was unemployed, I told them I was in jail, I told them I was dead, but they still kept calling. It’s a good thing I just moved and got a new number, because they haven’t been able to track me down. Still, I get the sweats every time the phone rings. Well, no more. I’d outlaw bill collectors and make it okay for people to beat the hell out of them. People could pay bills whenever they were good and ready.
If elected, I’d also make it illegal for cops to be assholes. If a cop were being an asshole, I’d ban ’em from having any donuts for a month. Everyone knows that cops love donuts! That would be a fate worse than death for most cops. Then, if the cop were an asshole a second time, I’d have ’em thrown in a special cop jail where everyone could come by and yell at them not to be an asshole again. After that, I’d just lock ’em up and throw away the key. Three strikes and you’re out, pigs!
Lest I forget, I’d lower the drinking age back to 18 and free the weed. See, weed can be used for all kinds of stuff. You can make it into paper, you can eat it, and you can use it to make necklaces and shit. And, on top of all that, you can use it to get baked! The Constitution was printed on weed paper, and even Martin Luther King grew weed. As for the drinking age, I can remember how when I was 18, I had to get a carry-out for my booze. That sucked! I remember thinking about how I was old enough to be drafted, but not old enough to have a beer with my buddies. That’s just not right.
There are a whole bunch of other things I’d do, too. I’d get rid of all taxes, ’cause they’re all bullshit. I’d appoint a bunch of advisors, like Burton Cummings and Dennis DeYoung. I’d go back to Iraq and finish the job on that Sodamn Insane. I’d probably illegalize flag-burning, too, because I would want everyone to know that I ain’t no commie. Of course, it goes without saying that I’d get me some of that sweet political tail. I don’t like to talk about that shit, though. Even I have my limits when it comes to dirty talk. There are kids reading this, you know. Grow the hell up.
Jim Anchower joined The Onion’s editorial writing staff in 1993 after several distinguished years on The Come Back Inn dishwashing staff. He comments on community-affairs, automotive, and employment issues. He attended LaFollette High School in Madison, WI.
