Donald Trump will be sworn in as the 45th U.S. president on Friday. Here’s how Washington, D.C. is preparing for the event.
Sharpening the Washington Monument
Double-checking that all ne’er-do-well cousins are out of town that day
1.4 million folding chairs to be brought up from Capitol basement
Unbeatable deals on model year–end Kia Rios, Optimas, and Sorentos
Inscribing the sum of human knowledge onto steel tablets and burying them in a titanium vault under the National Archives
Providing safe haven for dissident Rockettes
Secure barriers set up to adequately protect Jackie Evancho, Talladega Marching Tornadoes, and Mormon Tabernacle Choir from hordes of rabid fans
Trying to unload as many tickets to this fucking thing as possible
