Hospital Gift Shop Figures It Can Soak ’Em For 30 On The ‘I’m Thinking Of You’ Teddy Bear

SAN DIEGO—Noting that their store was the only game in town for the poor bastards stopping in, employees at the St. Margaret Hospital gift shop told reporters Tuesday they figured they could easily soak customers for 30 bucks a pop on the “I’m Thinking Of You” teddy bears. “Look, they’re going up to the trauma center, they’ve already paid for parking—it’s going to be no trouble at all to bleed these saps of at least three 10-spots for one of these things, maybe more,” said manager Marissa Lutz of the shop’s supply of 12-inch-tall plush bears holding embroidered pillows, adding that she could probably tack on another 15 bones for a Mylar balloon reading “Feel Better” if the customer was heading to the pediatric unit. “They’re already here; no way they’re gonna get back in their car and drive a half hour to Target. Hell, at this point we could probably shake down some real sorry fucks on the religious sympathy cards, throw in a bag of bottom-rung jelly beans, and really take these chumps for a ride. What are they gonna do about it?” At press time, Lutz could be seen contemplating how much sweet green she could wring out of a woman entering the store in tears for the second time this week.