1.
Just so you know, everyone featured in our books signed iron-clad NDAs, so if they spill before our book release, our lawyers will absolutely sue them and everyone they’ve ever loved into oblivion. No one, and we mean no one, is breaking this news but us.
2.
That elusive “smoking gun”? It’s right here, ready to send dozens of people to prison for life. Be sure to preorder now.
3.
After a prolonged and ugly bidding war between HarperCollins, Random House, and Penguin, The Onion sold the rights to our tell-all for an undisclosed mid-eight figure deal. Also, the DOJ has been trying to get this quote on record for upwards of a year. Maybe they’d like to preorder our book, then?
4.
This text sent on the morning of Jan. 6 would absolutely send between one and four people to jail, but if you’d like to know more, you’ll have to pony up and wait until every juicy detail gets written, printed, and published in 2026.
5.
Penguin CEO Markus Dohle’s eyes lit up with dollar signs when he saw this one. Holy shit, he was practically drooling at the bargaining table. That’s what started the bidding war with Simon & Schuster.
6.
Oh, you’d like to read this quote that explains exactly how Trump and his cronies planned to overturn the election and destroy democracy forever, would you? Too bad. You’ll get to see it when The New Yorker runs an excerpt in late 2025 calling our book “insightful, damning, and historic.”
7.
Did Shakespeare text Mark Meadows on Jan. 6? He may as well have. When Aaron Sorkin accepts the Oscar for best adapted screenplay, he’ll thank The Onion for providing him with the most famous and climactic line his hands have ever typed.
8.
Through intrepid reporting and anonymous sources, The Onion obtained hundreds of texts like this, implicating top politicians and activists alike for their participation in the Jan. 6 insurrection. Of course, we need to support our bottom line somehow, which is why you’ll have to read our forthcoming book, The Capitol Has Fallen, out fall 2026 with Penguin Random House to see the full, breathtaking extent of the crimes on display.
9.
The book is going to cost $79.99, by the way. But it’s worth every penny to unmask a damning text like this.
10.
We’re in talks with Amazon about a miniseries right now. Mark Rylance might be involved as the key character texting here, so we’d be kneecapping ourselves in negotiations if we unmasked this individual.
11.
We’re doing an official cover reveal in just 10 days. Working with a really cool illustrator. She did the cover for The Bride Test. Mark your calendars!
12.
This text absolutely eviscerates the reputation of every named party involved, soon to be located in airport bookstores around the country.
13.
Sounds dangerous! And that person’s name will be revealed in an exclusive excerpt published in The Atlantic.
14.
Something we can show you right now is this blurb from Glenn Greenwald calling our book “titillating” and “the last word in political journalism.”
15.
There’s only one person who seems to be truly innocent in all of this whose text messages to Mark Meadows that infamous day actually exonerate them—largely considered to be one of the ringleaders, previously. All we can say is you’re not going to want to skip over page 227 in our book, that’s for sure.
16.
Some evidence proving undeniable guilt of treason is worth the wait!
17.
The entirety of Chapter 12 is devoted to this text alone.
18.
Obviously, we can’t reveal who said this while we’re hashing out overseas rights and royalties.
19.
What you can’t see here will shape not only the future of this country, but the future of democracy and, indeed, the world. Out soon from Penguin Random House.
20.
Are we negligently withholding evidence while a pressing statute of limitations runs out its clock? All will be revealed when the book is released.
21.
That one’s going into the vault for our special 100-Year Anniversary: Looking Back At January 6, 2021 edition, to be released on Jan. 6, 2121!
