Horoscopes

Virgo

(August 23 to September 22):

Unfortunately, your stars are out on their union-mandated break at the moment.

Libra

(September 23 to October 22):

You’ve heard the advice thousands of times every week since you were a child, but today is the first time you will finally embrace the words “shut the fuck up.”

Scorpio

(October 23 to November 21):

Stop avoiding conflict just because you’re afraid of killing again.

Sagittarius

(November 22 to December 21):

You’re going out in that? No, you look great. Very bold.

Capricorn

(December 22 to January 19):

Your love life will thrive this week, with several suitors pecking each other’s eyes out for the chance to fertilize your eggs.

Aquarius

(January 20 to February 18):

Rich man gets a dollar, poor man gets a dime. You? You’ll get Spanish doubloons, thousands and thousands of them, but will have no way to spend them.

Pisces

(February 19 to March 20):

They say time heals all wounds, but the snake venom will stop your heart before time can even blink.

Aries

(March 21 to April 19):

Your luck will take a turn for the worse this week when a meteor obliterates all human life.

Taurus

(April 20 to May 20):

This is your last week on Earth. Soon, you’ll be going to space, where you will collide with a satellite and die.

Gemini

(May 21 to June 20):

While it’s true that women love a man in uniform, do not get over-excited about your new career at Hot Dog On A Stick.

Cancer

(June 21 to July 22):

Steer clear of shadowy figures who threaten you with knives, guns, or other weapons—they may intend to do you bodily harm.

Leo

(July 23 to August 22):

Remember to always listen to your heart. If your heart can’t handle the strain, then listen to your spleen.