You will be the picture of sweetness and light this week, with gentle words for all. However, you’re still pretty sure they all know.
Due to your high refractive index and low visible-light-absorption capacity, you will soon replace titanium dioxide as the world’s predominant white pigment.
Your skill at writing poetry mocking the headmaster of your preparatory academy will avail you well.
Though your impending death will be both humiliating and agonizingly painful, everyone involved will learn a little bit about themselves from the experience.
It has been a good life, but you always knew the day would come when the owls would catch up with you.
You will be inundated with hugs and sappy platitudes when the other signs of the Zodiac mistake you for Leo Buscaglia.
Remember: Second-degree burns cause deep blistering, while third-degree burns destroy an entire layer of skin. You will soon need to know the difference.
A simple misunderstanding involving you, a peanut butter and honey sandwich, and a chimpanzee leads to the precedent-setting Scorpio Monkey Trial.
You will discover the secret of life this week. However, it is the secret of Warren G. Harding’s life and is, therefore, useless.
Doom will be yours this week, unless you follow the stars’ instructions to the letter. Due to space constraints, though, we must withhold those instructions until next week.
The stars have decided it would spoil the whole thing if they told you about next Thursday’s falling bucket of hot lard.
The significance of Jupiter’s ascendancy in your sign is unclear, but don’t worry—The last 80,000 times this happened, it didn’t mean a goddamned thing.
