Your birthday this week means you should take time to ponder your lost youth. It isn’t coming back, you know. Never, ever, ever. It’s gone.
Though a romantic escape may be in the cards for you, it will more likely be a German expressionist nightmare.
Try as you might, you will be unable to convince the judge that the big jewel heist was all the monkey’s idea.
It’s about time you recognized your spouse’s value as a human being. Especially with human beings fetching such high prices in today’s market.
Despite what some people might say, Christ did not die for your sins. He took care of yours with a mild case of hives.
By taking the moral high road in a workplace conflict, you will arrive in moral Scotland long before your co-workers.
Both the moon and Jupiter are high in Virgo this week, which means they’ll giggle a lot and eat big sandwiches.
You can see why people like coconut cream pie so much. It’s really quite delicious, especially with chocolate sauce.
It’s tempting to cry on a good friend’s shoulder this week, but that’s the easy way out. Don’t settle for anything less than crying on a good friend’s voluptuous buttocks.
The stars cannot be bothered with your trivial life this week. They’re important astral bodies with lots to do, you know.
Aquarius refuses to tell you your future until it gets a better symbol than a guy with a jar. That symbol sucks.
What’s on the other side of that mountain? How deep is the sea? Do otters eat humans? You’ll learn the surprising answers to these questions this week.
