Your congregation will hold you up as an object of shame and ridicule when Amy Grant calls you a blaspheming sinner during the live telecast of the 1996 Dove Awards.
Your encyclopedic knowledge of all the latest Kevorkian jokes inexplicably fails to bring you love this week.
A sudden sneeze while holding the forceps during your girlfriend’s nipple-piercing will do wonders for her archery career.
If you are truly making an effort to be more thoughtful, remember that killing yourself will save your family a lot of money, effort and drawn-out legal hassles.
You will be found guilty in the murder of Pliny the Elder—despite the fact that he died 3,000 years before your alleged bath-house tryst.
Your fussy appetite, lack of table manners and chronic belching will result in a lifetime banishment from all Sizzler steakhouses.
Explore new frontiers of togetherness with your loved ones. Invite them to share a bout of dropsy with you.
A mistake in your will results in the words “Please Take One” being chiseled into your tombstone.
Politicians, cartographers and your town’s Better Business Bureau will unite in their refusal to refer to your house as the Land Of Much Ass.
Your refusal to Super-Size your meal for only 39 cents will ultimately result in your starvation.
A genie will grant you a million dollars if you go an entire week without thinking of the word “hoopty.”
You are unlikely to meet any former Tonight Show hosts this week, with the possible exception of Steve Allen.
