Your trip to the astral healer will be a major spiritual success, but your physical body will be destroyed by a truck on the way home.
Your loud public whining about “getting the hell out of this podunk town” will finally drive your fellow Manhattanites over the edge.
Yet another set of those annoying bony growths will fall off your head this week. Consider getting out of the caribou business.
You can’t for the life of you figure out why they call it a loveseat, as it does not love you and never will.
Avoid people who find meaningful patterns in the randomness of Nature.
Jupiter ascending in your sign indicates that the Cosmos couldn’t give a good god damn what happens to you.
The stars indicate you should purge yourself of the sin of vanity. After all, you’ve got a face like a hog’s ass.
For the last time: It simply isn’t true about Richard Gere. Please stop asking.
After a long, hard search for a hot meal and a place to sleep, you finally just reheat yesterday’s pizza and sack out on the couch.
Though you’ve prayed earnestly all your life, it has never worked. Consider having your hands surgically enlarged.
Stop leading our nation’s children down a moral sewer. Instead, use candy and ropes to lead them down real sewers.
Though last Monday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
