You will be lynched by an angry mob of leather-clad burnouts when they find out that it was your idea to use “Crazy Train” to sell SUVs.
The stars say you will find happiness beyond your wildest dreams. But after that, their message trails off into drunken streams of profanity.
This will be a lucky week indeed, since nobody enjoys a good concussion more than you.
Strangely enough, no one will congratulate you when you finally win your lifelong battle with oxygen addiction.
Your life will change forever when a ruggedly handsome Taurus leaves you splattered across three lanes of traffic.
More of your youthful idealism is chipped away this week when you discover that Tupperware parties are for selling plastic storage containers.
You will be trapped in a confined space with a group of people who really, really care about the Oscars.
Your attempt to double-cross the mob ends badly when you discover that most crooks are not as bumbling as Disney had long led you to believe.
Venus in your sign means a new love interest, while the sudden appearance of the Phantom Planet from the Nega-Zone means dangerous, man-eating apes with raygun eyes.
The police refuse to respond when you attempt to get arrested for searching yourself without a warrant.
Though your parents like you well enough, you do not focus-group well with teens. Move to CBS.
This weekend marks the culmination of your lifelong dream to make yourself a big stack of pancakes.
