Your life has been a litany of failure, dashed expectations, and unfulfilled dreams, but at least it’s almost over.
Give a starving man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach him how to cook a fish, though, and he’ll starve to death with a clearer picture of what he’s missing.
Your heart may have been in the right place, but it really isn’t appropriate to craft a menorah out of Oscar Mayer hot dogs.
Despite what you believe, your tendency to confuse Keats and Wordsworth is far from your greatest flaw.
The classics tell us that the only result of hubris is humiliation, but it’s not your fault you are the proud mountain goat.
An adventurous
One day, long after your death, your analysis of Samuel Butler’s epic
You will be both flattered and worried when you gain renown as the World’s Greatest Lover of Fatty Snacks.
Your worldview will be shaken to the core when
The “shooting stars” in your sign may be space debris burning up in Earth’s atmosphere, but they nevertheless presage famine, disease, and death.
Your marriage will finally fall apart this week when your spouse, in a fit of rage, takes the cheerleading squad’s word over yours.
No one at the hospital will be able to convince you that, defending its territory or not, the alpaca didn’t have the whole thing planned in advance.
