Add your personal stamp to the brand-new skyscraper in town by being the very first to leap off its roof to your death.
Take out a cosmic insurance policy: Give 10 percent of your money to the giant, all-powerful bearded man who lives above the sky.
Laughter will surround you this week, but it will mysteriously stop when you turn around to see what’s so funny.
Saturn in your sign indicates that this is a great time to buy or lease a new Saturn. See your dealer for details.
Take the advice of bluegrass legend Bill Monroe: Kill your best girl down by the muddy banks of the old Ohio.
The stars indicate that you should go out and kill until the streets are choked with blood. But not yet! Not yet!
Though you are a good person and a loving friend to all you know, you will still be sent to hell for your maddening lack of punctuality.
Spice up your daily life by conducting all conversations in a falsetto voice.
A bizarre incident at an all-night diner results in your becoming the first martyr of the Right To Pie movement.
Six people will suffer laughter-induced cardiac arrest following your pro-abstinence speech.
You will soon move to a place where your horoscope does not apply.
Your love is a powerful thing. Withhold it from mortal men.
