Aries | March 21 to April 19
You really shouldn’t let the weather get you down—unless, of course, you call a rain of house-sized asteroids “weather.”
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your love is dead, but dead love is not like a dead person. All the car batteries, radioactive injections, and monkey extract in the world won’t bring it back.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Certain factors beyond your control—albeit not beyond your comprehension—will prevent you from being initiated into the Sapphic mysteries.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You always thought ghosts could fly, walk through walls, and commune with those yet living, but you’ll just have to be content with knocking over the occasional teacup.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You’ve always considered yourself something of a shutterbug, but that’s certainly not what the Interpol agents who confiscate your hard drive will call you.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
They say beggars can’t be choosers, but to hell with them—you don’t feel like going to the soup kitchen.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
People are fond of saying that teaching a pig to sing will just waste your time and annoy the pig, once again undervaluing the importance of education.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your “nationwide rollout” of a new women’s razor will make headlines, but it certainly won’t be in the business section.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Brave men and women of the revolution will sacrifice their lives, fortunes, and sacred honor to free you from your chains, but their music really sucks.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
There may not even be an NHL season this year, so it won’t make a ripple when you nearly kill a guy with a hockey stick.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
They say poetry is the unwatered wine of life, but regular old watered wine has always been good enough for you.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The stars usually concern themselves with your future, but they just wanted to remind you that at this time last year, you were “very seriously” considering law school.
