It turns out only one in every 200 Americans hates your guts. As you’ll soon see, though, that’s still quite a mob.
Everyone needs to believe in something. You, for instance, believe in a omnipotent man who lives in the sky, and that you’ll have another beer.
You’ll never smile again after the tragic loss of your lower jaw and lips.
Mars’ position in your sign indicates that only hard work and dedication can help you reach your goals. But don’t worry: Mars will move by next week.
You’ve never been a big fan of being hosed down, but next week’s non-stop barrage of hosings will give you a chance to change your mind.
You will finally develop soft, shiny, touchable hair, just moments before getting hit by a bus—which at first might seem unrelated.
Take a little time this week to think of those closest to you and the possibility that they’re the ones behind the assassination attempts.
Sometimes, you just want to go someplace where nobody knows who you are. Luckily, this is easily accomplished by leaving your house.
The juxtaposition of sexual imagery and Catholic iconography has been done to death, but, hey, it’s your personals ad.
You’ll make it obvious whether you value quantity or quality when you live to the age of 113.
You will soon seek in death the peace and tranquility that has eluded you in life. Unfortunately, nobody told you about Six Flags Over Heaven.
Long-established patterns of behavior will not magically change for you this week.
