You will go down in crime lore after sweeping through Vermont, New Hampshire and Massachusetts in a single afternoon, completing the most efficient tri-state killing spree in history.
You will be admitted to the emergency room after attempting to cleanse your soul with Chore-Boy pads and abrasive cleanser.
You will actually win the lottery this week. Unfortunately, it is the Czech National Lottery, and the prize is a bill for $8.13.
You experience great embarrassment this week when your friends discover that Thomas Edison, not you, patented the light bulb and the phonograph.
Low Nielsen ratings, complaints from Christian groups, and rising production costs have resulted in the cancellation of this star sign, which will be replaced by a rotation of Wayans brothers.
You will achieve fame among dentists when you cleverly file your teeth in such a way that you can bite your signature into people’s arms.
You begin to suspect that something is wrong when your beautiful but mysterious, foreign-born girlfriend attempts to knock you out with a pair of American thighs.
The stars indicate that the future is an infinite and intertwined set of probabilities in a state of quantum flux, and is, therefore, not knowable.
You will never win the love and approval of your father, who, unbeknownst to you, is actually Clive Hawkins, an alcoholic furniture dealer from Tuscaloosa, AL.
You will be extremely surprised by the unusual events of this week.
You will receive your last-ever kiss today. Take heart, however, as you will live another 200 years.
Dental records, fingerprints and DNA testing will be useless in identifying your mysteriously liquefied corpse.
