MEDFORD, OR—Considering that everyone else at Kevin Brown’s sleepover party is having a great time and not freaking out about missing their mommies and daddies, 10-year-old Brandon Thompson needs to just man up and tough it the fuck out because this homesick bullshit is getting ridiculous, sources reported Saturday.
The child, who clearly just excused himself from eating pizza to call his house for the third goddamn time, had seriously better get his shit together ASAP or else all his moping around is going to ruin everyone’s night.
Sources confirmed Thompson will see his parents again in less than 10 hours, so he needs to stop acting like a little bitch and relax, for Christ’s sake.
“It doesn’t seem like Brandon is having as much fun as the rest of us,” said fellow sleepover attendee Nate Pirolli, rightly sensing that it’s high time for Thompson to sack it up and get with the fucking program already. “I don’t understand. We let him be first player in Gears Of War 3 and Batman: Arkham City, but he was being really quiet the whole time.”
“Isn’t he excited that Kevin’s parents are going to let us watch Superbad later? That’s an R-rated movie,” he continued while a forlorn Thompson behaved as if his parents lived in Romania as opposed to 15 goddamn minutes away.
Though all he’s being asked to do is spend a few hours having a blast with six of his closest friends, Thompson chose to sit out of a pre-dinner basketball game like a little pansy, claiming his allergies were acting up when in reality his puffed-up eyes and runny nose were a direct result of 30 minutes of sobbing in the Browns’ upstairs bathroom.
Thompson, who by all accounts needs to just deal with it and grow the fuck up pronto, has but one obligation the whole night—the mindblowingly simple task of falling asleep—after which he will wake up, it will be morning, and his dad will come pick him up and take him to soccer practice.
Reports confirm Ryan Fitzpatrick, 10, and Jeremy Hillen, 10, aren’t homesick little pussies and are totally game to try and stay up all night.
“Brandon told me he had a stomach ache and that’s why he didn’t eat any cake,” said Nicholas Gellman, neglecting to call Thompson out on his bullshit and tell him to just nut up and eat his friend’s fucking birthday cake. “I hope he feels better in the morning, because I heard we’re getting chocolate chip pancakes with whipped cream.”
“It’s weird, he had the same problem at my sleepover party too,” Gellman said of the little baby girl.
According to sources, the irony here is that Thompson spends lots of time away from his parents every single day when he goes to school, so he ought to be used to it. In fact, reports indicate his parents would both probably agree their son ought to take a step back, stop letting his irrational fears spiral out of control for a minute, and quickly reach down to double-check that he still has a set.
“I know this can be a tough age for some children to sleep over at their friend’s houses,” Brown’s mother Debbie said. “But I do think it’s important that kids venture outside their comfort zones and see for themselves that it’s okay to spend the night away from home sometimes.”
“I will say, though, that I hope he stops coming to talk to me in the kitchen and goes to play with the other boys,” she continued. “I’m not his fucking mom.”
As of 9 p.m., Thompson is making a big deal out of nothing, he’s totally fine, and if he walks over to that phone to ask his parents to come pick him up instead of manning up for just one night he’s going to regret it for the rest of his goddamn life.
And there he fucking goes.
