‘Holy Shit, The Government Owes Me 50 Million Dollars,’ Reports Man Incorrectly Filling Out His Taxes

CINCINNATI—Excited by the prospect of quitting his retail job and moving to his own South Pacific island, 28-year-old Ben Hughes learned Friday that he would be receiving $50 million in returns from the federal government after incorrectly filling out his taxes. “Wait, let me double-check this—yep, 50 million dollars, it’s all right here,” said Hughes, referring to a virtually illegible tax form on which he clearly entered his zip-code in the space intended for his number of dependents, deducted his social security number from his withholding, and had somehow managed to follow the tax reporting procedure for a major military contracting business. “Wow! I didn’t think the benefits from the new tax laws kicked in until next year, but I guess this must be making up for all those years when I got nothing back at all.” At press time, Hughes’ enthusiasm was dampened somewhat upon finding that he actually owed the state of Ohio $17 million in property taxes.