HOLLYWOOD, CA—Calling current population levels “wildly unsustainable,” rangers from the Federal Bureau of Celebrity Conservation announced this week their plan to eliminate some 1,200 celebrities from the Hollywood region.
While FBCC sources said the number of indigenous celebrities in the region has been increasing steadily since the 1950s, rangers said the past decade in particular has seen an alarming spike in the population due to the rampant spawning of celebrities via the Internet and reality television, leaving the agency no recourse but targeted exterminations.
“Despite our best efforts, Hollywood star levels have been pushed far beyond what is manageable,” Head Ranger Art McWane told reporters at a Monday press conference. “Every day we see more and more of them cropping up, and our safest option at this point is a drastic policy aimed at culling their numbers.”
“Population control is the only humane course of action,” McWane added. “If we don’t intervene now, we will soon be completely overrun by celebrities.”
Under the terms of the program, a corps of rangers is patrolling a 30-mile radius centered on the Sunset Strip and has begun to find and eliminate celebrities. At press time, some 20 stars, including Paul Sorvino, Billy Crudup, American Idol winner David Cook, and Khloé Karadashian had been killed and placed in special disposal bins for incineration.
Rangers said they have attempted nonlethal methods of population containment in the past, but that their efforts met with little success.
“Unfortunately, the sterilization programs of a generation ago failed to prevent Miley Cyrus, Jaden Smith, and countless other second-generation stars, so we’re left with no choice now,” McWane said. “But rest assured, population-thinning will be quick and efficient, while primarily targeting the sick, elderly, and C-list.”
McWane then ended the press conference by fatally shooting actor Beau Bridges with a .44 hunting rifle.
To assist the overburdened federal officials, Los Angeles County has begun offering permits that will allow city residents using registered weapons to kill any current SAG or AFTRA member, with a limit of 1,000 pounds of celebrity per license. However, special restrictions on the use of automatic weapons, as well as hunting in rehab facilities, will continue to apply under the rules of the Fair Chase code.
Many Hollywood locals have called the move long overdue.
“The way things have been, even an A-lister can wait 45 minutes for a table,” said Tracey Spillane, manager of Spago Beverly Hills. “And from the table chatter we overhear, there just aren’t enough projects in the pipeline for the glut of celebrities that exist right now. Believe me, this is a much more compassionate approach than leaving Anson Williams to root in the Dumpster for scraps.”
Ranger Paul Cummings agreed, saying few of today’s celebrities have any skills other than their notoriety and, left to their own devices, will often continue to breed in a desperate, last-ditch bid to live vicariously through the fame of offspring. Cummings called the federal action an attempt to succeed at managing the population where Hollywood’s countless talent agencies and PR firms have failed.
Many hunters, including Willard Byrne of Lynwood, are excited about the opportunity to bag some prize specimens.
“There’s nothing I enjoy more than a good hunt, so this is a dream come true for me,” Byrne said while caping and field-dressing MAD TV’s Aries Spears at the corner of La Cienega and Wilshire Boulevards. “What better way to teach my son about the cycle of life than to camp out on Sunset and pick off the cast of Grey’s Anatomy one by one?”
Whether the program is useful in finally bringing the star population under control remains to be seen. In the meantime, Hollywood rangers are confident that their plan to reintroduce Charles Manson to the area this fall will help maintain the natural order for the foreseeable future.
