Highway Safety Ad Urges Drunk Drivers Not To Text

DALLAS—Advising blackout alcoholics to focus on the road, a new highway safety ad released Tuesday reportedly urged drunk drivers not to text. “It’s imperative that drivers not text when they’re swerving drunk down the wrong side of the highway,” said the ad spokesperson Kyle Drummel, explaining that putting the phone away and keeping one’s drunk, wandering eyes on oncoming traffic can be the difference between life and death. “It might seem like no big deal, but even just five or 10 minutes of intoxicatedly looking at your phone behind the wheel can end tragically. The incoherent text asking your ex to get back together can wait.” The ad concluded by emphasizing that not texting while driving had the added benefit of keeping one hand open for drinks.