Steelers quarterback Big Ben Roethlisberger will marry Ashley Harlan this Saturday in what is already being touted as Pittsburgh’s royal wedding. Here’s what to expect:
Roethlisberger reads his vows off his wristband
Bride’s family gives witness statements to police outside the church
All 500 guests are truly touched by the bride and groom and maid of honor’s first triple-kiss
Speech from the maid of honor basically a last-ditch plea for rational thought
First extramarital affair occurs two hours into the reception under table 17
Best man speech bombs, as it is just a horrifying account of groom’s previous assaults
After the cake-cutting, everyone overhears Roethlisberger telling his new wife, “I want to smear this all over your tits”
An extremely awkward silence occurs when Steelers owner Dan Rooney insists there be at least one African-American woman in the crowd waiting to catch the bouquet
