Facing massive legal bills, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani is selling his Manhattan apartment to avoid financial ruin. The Onion examines the highlights from the apartment listing.
$35,000 Price Tag
Sure to draw some screams of elitism, Rudy’s five-figure apartment costs more than many Americans earn in a year.
A White Doorman
He’s roughly 40% Northern European, 30% Southern European, 20% Sardinian, and 10% Iberian. Wow!
Amazing View Of 9/11
One window of Giuliani’s former residence shows a perpetual shot of the Twin Towers crumbling down on that fateful day.
Adrenochrome Fridge
Much like a fine white wine, Giuliani keeps his adrenochrome stored at exactly 50 degrees Fahrenheit.
Walls
Prospective buyers are in luck, because the grandiose apartment formerly owned by America’s mayor comes with plenty of walls, stretching from the floor all the way to the ceiling.
Pre-Furnished With Card Table
The incredible Upper East Side apartment comes with the same overturned milk crate and card table the once-formidable attorney used as a chair and desk for his law practice for over 50 years.
Nude Guys On All Fours
Keeping these nude guys on all fours is 100% built into the price, but you’ll need to factor in the exorbitant cost of sawdust for them to eat, relieve themselves on, and rustle around in during their daily union-mandated 40-minute breaks.
Impoverished Are Executed On Sight
At an asking price of $6.5 million, it’s no surprise any unhoused or even working-class people who make it into the apartment building are swiftly eliminated.
65,700 Teeth Belonging To Rudy Giuliani
Every day for the past 30 years, America’s mayor has grown and lost up to six teeth, which have completely filled one of the guest bedrooms, 19 armoires, and a linen closet, and which Giuliani refuses to move.
Polish Super Included With Purchase
One of the real amenities is the transferred ownership in the lease of 63-year-old Polish super Gerik, who is available for repairs or if you need someone to eat leftover rotisserie chicken.
A Bidet Specifically For Cloacae
Giuliani had the bidet custom-made and installed next to his toilet so he could clean the folds of his often-swollen cloaca.
Working Fireplace
Great for burning boxes of classified information.
Wood-Paneled Library Of Documents Implicating Giuliani In Planning 9/11
A beautifully upholstered room for reading up on the insider deals between Osama bin Laden and Giuliani to bring the West crashing down.
Barron Trump
There he is. There’s the little rascal.
Everything Was Wet
Just sopping wet, ceiling to floor. It’s not even clear how the wet got up that high, but it was arguably wetter the farther up you went.
A Discount For Anyone Currently Married To Their Cousin
Famous for marrying a cousin himself, Giuliani is willing to knock 10% off the sale price for anyone who can prove they are committing marital incest.
Glory Hole To Neighboring Apartment
Despite several complaints lodged by his neighbors, Rudy Giuliani would regularly stick his penis through a hole in the wall.
1994 Hooters Calendar
God, they don’t make them like that anymore.
Cross-Stitched Kitchen Art That Says ‘Bless This Mess’ Above Image Of Ground Zero
Embroidered in baby-blue thread alongside a stitched flaming pile of World Trade Center rubble, this kitschy decoration sure makes this kitchen feel like home.
The Apartment Is Also Home To A Family Of Bats
They have clearly been nesting there for a while, judging by the pile of guano.
Pre-War Cum Stain
Ejaculated in 1906, this splotch will soon belong to a lucky new owner.
A Pile Of Tumors Collected From 9/11 First Responders
Giuliani seems to have been harvesting the tumors, for reasons still unknown at this time.
A Large Wash Basin Where The Children From Next Door Come To Bathe
Uncle Rudy is always excited to help children get clean.
There’s A Man Who Appears Very Small In Some Photos And Very Large In Others
His eyes never stay the same color, but you can always tell they are his.
