Gwyneth Paltrow Touts New Diamond-Encrusted Trepanation Drill, Drainage Bucket On Website

LOS ANGELES—Touting the tool’s ability to bore through several layers of skull in order to balance the body’s unknowable ethers, Gwyneth Paltrow introduced a new diamond-encrusted trepanation drill and drainage bucket on her website, sources confirmed Friday. “With just a few cranks, this elegant, stainless steel drill can pierce through the thickest parts of your cranial bone in seconds, leading to instant relief from evil demons, ghosts, and spirits possessing the soul,” said the description on Goop.com, which added that the limited-edition $8,000 kit could instantly expose the brain’s dura matter, drain cursed fluids, and release bad energy and evil thoughts into several sleek, stylish buckets. “Just mark the burring location, attach the included sterling silver drill bit, and pierce through the frontal bone for instant relief and improved blood flow. Soon, your vapors will be balanced, Satan will be expelled, and your inherent madness will be relieved like you’ve never felt before.” At press time, Paltrow unveiled a new line of custom-engraved, 120-volt electric shock machines for treating women’s female insanity.