Government Closes Case On UFOs After Determining Sightings Just Routine Psylandorian Patrol Ships

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the seemingly concerning events actually had a perfectly reasonable explanation, the U.S. government announced Thursday that it had closed the case on investigating recent UFO sightings after determining the crafts were just routine Psylandorian patrol ships. “After following up on reports from naval officers of seeing unidentified flying objects, we were able to determine they were simply several unarmed carriers from the Zorgon dimension that had accidentally drifted into U.S. airspace, as happens from time to time,” said Navy spokesman Lt. George Quantrill, adding that the White House was able to clear up the misunderstanding after getting in touch with the Psylandor Supreme Council and determining the ships spotted over the East Coast were merely returning from a routine trip harvesting Züq orbs on the planet Akylomit and presented no danger. “It’s funny, actually, we were stumped by it at first, but then we just got on the transphocation communication telemodule to Psylandorian headquarters and straightened things out right away. They have access to Earth airspace according to the provisions of the Inter-Planetary Peace Protocol XII, and in this case just forgot to inform us beforehand. Naturally, if it had been Tarchysian helium miners, we would’ve been in trouble, but we have peaceful relations with the Psylandorians. No one wants a repeat of the 1974-B Parallel Wars. So, case closed.” At press time, government representatives confirmed that they would do a better job of recruiting naval officers fluent in Psylandorian brain-wave communication in order to avoid any potential galactic incidents.