GOP Establishment Relieved After Conventionally Abhorrent Beliefs Make Way Onto Presidential Ticket

NEW YORK—Following Donald Trump’s official announcement that he had picked conservative Indiana governor Mike Pence as his running mate, prominent members of the GOP establishment reportedly expressed their relief Saturday that conventionally abhorrent beliefs would be represented on the Republican presidential ticket. “Gov. Pence is truly committed to the GOP’s most cherished, longstanding hatreds, so we couldn’t be happier to see him chosen as our party’s vice presidential candidate,” said Heritage Foundation president Jim DeMint, adding that the selection of someone with so many years of experience engaging in traditional discrimination against gays and women had eased the fears of Republican officials worried by Trump’s more unorthodoxly regressive views. “Don’t get me wrong; it’s great that Trump is bringing in millions of bigoted new voters with his fresh ideas for narrow-minded and detestable policies. But at the same time, there are certain awful beliefs that have helped to guide the conservative movement for decades, and the inclusion of Pence on the ticket is proof that those intolerances still have a place in today’s GOP.” DeMint added that he hoped Trump would also balance out his own crackpot fiscal proposals by choosing a few cabinet members with more conventionally discredited economic theories.