Ever since Nintendo announced their plans to open a theme park in Universal Studios Japan, we’ve been waiting with bated breath to explore Peach’s Castle and stomp goombas in an amazing real-world Mario adventures. In fact, we booked our tickets to Osaka immediately after hearing about Super Nintendo World and have been waiting for this week’s grand opening ever since. Unfortunately, now that we’re finally here, we have only one thing to report: Gamers, we absolutely understand the impulse to have your ashes scattered here, but you need to stagger the dates better because right now it looks like fucking Pompeii.
Seriously, we couldn’t even enjoy our Question Block Tiramisu since it was basically covered in some departed Nintendo fanboy’s cremains.
Alright, look, we get it gamers, we really do, Super Nintendo World has opened up a floodgate of nostalgic emotions for all of us. The colorful world created by Nintendo defined most of our childhoods. But the magic of this place is really diminished by seeing Toad buried up to his eyes in rendered human ash like Mount Vesuvius just erupted in 79 A.D. That’s just a fact.
So all we’re saying is that maybe you guys could set up a spreadsheet or something to coordinate when and where everyone gets to get their ashes dumped? We don’t want to stop you, or dishonor your final wishes, but maybe just have a maximum of 10 people per day doing this.
Just think of the many other park attendees who were excited to check out attractions like Mario Kart: Koopa’s Challenge, and yet couldn’t even finish the ride because their kart’s gears kept getting jammed up with all the pieces of human bone and tooth. Several people have even been hospitalized after all the ash inhalation, too.
Now, we’re not saying this to make people stop dumping their ashes. But we do want to impress on you that people trying to get a photo of themselves riding Yoshi might not want to think about all the different people’s remains commingled in their limited-edition Mario 64 Pumas. It just puts a damper on the whole mood, y’know?
So try to take this lesson to heart, gamers, and be a little more thoughtful in the future. When the American version of Super Nintendo World opens in a few years, we would love to enjoy a sip of our Luigi Limeade without accidentally sucking down a mouthful of carbonized flesh.
