Future Olympic Star Hard At Work On Her Backstory

ALBANY, GA—By the conclusion of the 2012 London Games last Sunday, promising 12-year-old gymnast Alexandra Davids had already begun working diligently on an inspiring personal backstory for the 2016 Olympics in Rio de Janeiro. “I’ll have to get cut from a team at some point or maybe fall just short at a really important competition,” said Davids, who added that temporarily living in a homeless shelter or surviving a school shooting could provide a background that would make her story more touching. “If I could suffer some sort of serious injury and have doctors tell me I’ll never be able to compete again, that’d be perfect. Basically anything where I can capture the hearts and minds of the entire nation by defying the odds to win.” Davids confirmed that, while she in no way hopes for it to happen, having one of her parents die unexpectedly right before the Olympics “certainly couldn’t hurt.”