Frustrated Rahm Emanuel Torn Between Addressing Chicago’s Shootings, Just Fucking Going For Nation’s Murder Capital

CHICAGO—In the wake of gun violence across the city that left 12 people dead over a single weekend, frustrated Mayor Rahm Emanuel was reportedly torn Tuesday between addressing Chicago’s shootings and just fucking going for the title of nation’s murder capital. “Look, things are tough right now, and it’s time for us as a city to decide whether we want to make the necessary policy changes to stem the flow of violence, or just say fuck it and go all in to become the most murderous city in the country,” said a visibly perturbed Emanuel in a press conference, adding that he wasn’t sure whether to reverse the deterioration of Chicago’s healthcare and education systems, or invest in programs that would send the city’s homicide rate soaring “way the hell” past those of St. Louis, Baltimore, and Detroit. “Sure, we could go further into debt by devoting public funds to reopening schools and mental health clinics, particularly in underfunded, high-crime communities, or we could just shutter the last of the after-school programs, crank up the police shootings, and let more neighborhood infrastructure fall into disrepair to encourage gangs to take over. It’s tough, you know, because we’ve already got this violent reputation, and there are a lot of ways we could actively work against that, but on the other hand, maybe it’s time to just throw up our hands, legalize the assault weapons that are flowing in from Indiana anyway, and arm everyone to the goddamn teeth. Maybe it’s time the only public services that Chicago offers are kill or be killed.” At press time, Emanuel clarified that any new initiative to turn the city into the state-of-the-art, highly efficient murder capital of the country would only apply to the majority-black neighborhoods.