Free speech absolutists staunchly believe that Americans should be able to voice any opinion they want, except those that make them angry. The Onion asked these First Amendment supporters why people they disagree with should be fired, and this is what they said.
Nancy Chen, Accountant
“Even free speech has limits that I capriciously determine on a day-to-day basis.”
Helen Doherty, Music Teacher
“If our livelihoods aren’t tethered to conformity and obedience, then what the hell’s the point of America?”
Frank Edgar, Retired
“People wouldn’t even find themselves in this predicament if they agreed with me on everything.”
Marco Greenfield, Bartender
“I actually don’t care if they’re fired as long as they’re silenced and afraid.”
Tommy Scardino, Limo Driver
“Free speech is a human right, and people who have different opinions than me aren’t human.”
Scott Hildebrand, Butcher
“It’s actually not hypocritical at all if you think about it and also aren’t very good at thinking.”
Lee Kesselman, Human Resources Manager
“Playing God with other people’s lives is why I got into HR in the first place.”
Deanna Shatner, Art Dealer
“I’d rather see them punished with death, but you see, free speech does have its limits.”
Jeremy Emmerich, Statistician
“Not punishing people for disagreeing with me sets a dangerous precedent for more people to disagree with me.”
George Kimbell, Economist
“I think more people should be unemployed.”
Aaron Burkholder, Project Manager
“I may be a free speech advocate, but I’m a thin-skinned baby first.”
Luis Garcia, Chemist
“Asking me this question is an attack on my freedom, and I’ll be making sure your boss hears about it.”
Ian Hill, Plastic Surgeon
“If people can say just anything, what’s to prevent them from calling me Ian Butt? That’s not my name!”
Brad Davis, IT Consultant
“We have to keep pace with industry standards.”
Doug Burgum, North Dakota Governor
“Whatever opinion lets me revoke funding from universities is my opinion.”
Mike Blackburn, Carpet Cleaner
“Freedom of expression and open intellectual exchange has no place at your work. Or your school. Or your home. Anywhere, really.”
Jason, Computer Programmer
“That way, I don’t have to reflect.”
