Freak Totally Has The Hots For You, Popular-Girl Sources Report

JOLIET, IL—Purposefully whispering loud enough for everyone in the cafeteria to overhear, popular-girl sources reported Tuesday that the freak over there totally has the hots for you. “Don’t look now, but the freak is just staring at you,” reported Alicia, echoing the sentiments of Madison, Jayla, both Emmas, and Kait concerning the weirdo pervy loser who asked to borrow a pencil that one time, even though he definitely had one in his backpack. “Ew, isn’t it so gross that he’s, like, obsessed with you? Oh my god—You’re blushing! She’s in love with the freak, you guys. It’s so perfect, you two can get married and have weird little babies. Barf.” Lunchroom sources have furthermore confirmed the circulation of rumors that the freak doesn’t even have parents and lives with his creepo brother outside of town.