Tim Cook announced Tuesday the release of Apple’s long-rumored watch, the latest in wearable technology. Here are some features of the new device:
13-megapixel camera enables users to take crystal-clear pictures of wrist
Allows wearers to start and stop the flow of time
Discreet, but not so discreet that anyone would mistake it for a regular watch
Comes in a variety of colors and styles to express your personal submission to the planet’s dominant tech company
Adjustable ticking volume
All the convenience of a traditional watch that needs to be charged every 12 hours
Built-in thinkpiece regarding the increased connectivity yet simultaneous isolation of the millennial generation
Small size and intricate circuitry able to drive twice as many Chinese workers to suicide as iPhone
Makes it easier for muggers to see whether or not you’re carrying an expensive electronic device
Another screen to throw into your current rotation of things you look at
