FDA Warns Americans To Take That Out Of Their Mouth This Instant

SILVER SPRING, MD—Speaking in a stern tone and wagging a finger, Food and Drug Administration commissioner Robert Califf made an announcement Wednesday in which he warned Americans to take that out of their mouths this instant. “That’s dirty, you can’t have that—spit it out, I said spit it out right now!” said Califf, who reportedly struggled to suppress the panic rising in his voice as he urged tight-lipped Americans to drop it immediately. “I’m warning you. You’re going to be sick if you eat that. You don’t know where that’s been. Don’t make me count to three. One. Two. No! Don’t swallow! Do not swallow!” At press time, Califf was heard exclaiming “Ah, fuck!” as Americans vomited all over his hands.