FDA Recalls Thing You Just Ate

SILVER SPRING, MD—Citing recently discovered health hazards associated with the product, the Food and Drug Administration announced Wednesday a recall of the thing you just ate. “Due to a concern regarding potential contaminants, the FDA is recalling the piece of food that, mere seconds ago, you placed in your mouth and began to chew,” said agency commissioner Robert Califf, adding that the thing now moving from your esophagus into your stomach could contain listeria, salmonella, E. coli, tiny glass and metal fragments, botulinum toxin, or various food-borne diseases yet to be classified by science. “We are using every means at our disposal to remove from circulation the product that may result in high fever, severe headache, stiffness, nausea, abdominal pain, arthritis, miscarriage, aneurysm, or sudden death, and that is currently being digested and entering your bloodstream. While it is, as of this very moment, too late to induce vomiting or stop the spread of this highly virulent pathogen and/or chemical nerve agent into every cell of your body, we ask that your return any remaining portion of the food to the store from which it was purchased.” At press time, FDA officials were reportedly shaking their heads in disappointment after finding out that you just kept eating it anyway.