FDA Could Really Evaluate A Big Bag Of Chips Right Now

SILVER SPRING, MD—Digging through case files for something extra tasty, the Food and Drug Administration informed consumers Wednesday that it could definitely go for evaluating a big bag of chips right now. “Oh, man, I’d kill to evaluate a huge bag of sour cream and onion chips or something,” said FDA agent Kevin Walters, holding his rumbling stomach and poking around the office for a better account, as none of his open ones sounded good at the moment. “Assessing the nutritional value of a new flavor of Doritos would really hit the spot. I could seriously go to town on determining whether there’s illegal food additives in a whole bag of those. I know I should check out a bag of spinach or a new apple varietal or whatever, but come on, tell me you don’t really want to rate the hell out of some sort of chocolatey snack cake instead. Would anyone split a report with me if I opened a new one? I’m drooling right now just thinking about delving into whether or not there are any cross contaminants in a Taki.” At press time, the FDA verified that pigging out on three party-size bags of cheddar and sour cream Ruffles definitely caused diarrhea.