FBI Solving 80% More Cases After Getting Great Big Magnifying Glass

WASHINGTON—Describing the new piece of equipment as indispensable to the agency’s successful reduction of backlogged cases, the FBI reported Tuesday it had solved 80% more crimes since investing in a great big magnifying glass. “Not since the implementation of DNA profiling in the 1980s have we equipped our investigators with such a powerful new forensic tool,” said FBI Director Christopher Wray, confirming that thousands of human hairs, muddy footprints, flecks of blood, and other crucial evidence would have gone undiscovered had the bureau not upgraded its technology to include the handheld vision-enhancement device. “A potential clue that appears really small—perhaps even invisible—to the naked eye can be made to appear much larger with the assistance of this single oversized magnifying glass. We are now drafting a budget requisition to authorize the purchase of a deerstalker cap, which we believe could work similar wonders for our clearance rate.” At press time, sources said officials were scrambling to put out a fire that engulfed evidence lockers at FBI headquarters after agents discovered the magnifying glass could also be used to concentrate a ray of sunlight.