Extraordinarily Dull A.A. Member Must Be Plant To Test Everyone’s Sobriety

NEW YORK—As the man recalled in excruciating detail his objectively normal childhood, sources attending an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting Thursday told reporters they suspected an extraordinarily dull member of being a plant intended to test everyone’s sobriety with his endlessly monotonous stories. “Jesus Christ, he’s been talking for 30 minutes, and he still hasn’t gotten to when he had his first drink,” whispered A.A. member Eliza Tarlton, one of many seated in the circle who were shakily lighting up cigarette after cigarette as they tried to focus on the speaker and keep their minds off how a shot of whiskey or a couple beers would instantly deliver them from the tedium. “It must be part of the program to see if you can make it through the tortuous minutiae of his whole life story without sprinting for the nearest liquor store. I’m not saying every story has to have car crashes or abuse or untimely deaths, but this guy’s so boring it’s unreal. Literally—there’s no way any real person, let alone an addict, could be this uninteresting. I may be a week away from getting my chip for six months of sobriety, but fuck this. I’m going to a bar.” At press time, the speaker’s 48-minute share had reportedly culminated in his “rock bottom,” the moment he sent his beloved mom a Mother’s Day card several days late.