Your boss may be stupid, but they’re not that stupid. Here are common excuses people use to get out of work that management will see right through.
“I have a doctor’s appointment.”
Yeah right. Your boss is neither providing healthcare or paying you enough to go to the doctor.
“I’m having menstrual cramps.”
Nice try, but you know your manager keeps track of ovulation cycles for any employee of childbearing age.
“I am 8 years old.”
Pretty much every child labor law contains loopholes if you know how to find them.
“I don’t work here, I’m just a client.”
Likely story, now find a desk and sit there until 5 p.m. or else you’re fired.
“The blood moon has risen.”
Your boss is not a pious man, so he may not be as fearful of a wrathful God as you are.
“My son is in the hospital.”
Sounds like you’ve got childcare squared away for the week, then.
“I’m a werewolf and it’s a full moon tonight, also I have a dentist appointment tomorrow.”
Try to keep your lies simple. “Tonight is a full moon” is a good enough excuse on its own.
“I’ve reached a metaphysical plane inaccessible to mortal flesh and temporal concerns.”
Wouldn’t even matter as clocking in is mandatory regardless of which plane your essence is occupying at the moment.
“I’m too busy sexually harassing my female coworkers.”
Remember that sometimes you can be more in trouble for your excuse than for simply not showing up to work.
“Oh are we supposed to come in on National Pancake Day?”
You know damn well that’s the busiest day of the year.
“I spilled McDonald’s coffee on my lap that was way too hot, gave me third-degree burns, and now I’m in a highly public court case that became a flashpoint for tort reform in the U.S.”
There’s no way the coffee was that hot.
“I have another job that I’m going to be late for.”
They know. You showed up to work today in the wrong uniform.
“The cruise ship is sinking.”
Somebody needs to keep playing the violin as people are being evacuated.
“I am currently bleeding out after being stabbed in the abdomen.”
Nice try, but last time your boss checked, most of your organs were still intact and you still have a pulse.
“I’m too busy having an affair with your wife to come in today.”
He already knows you sleep together while he’s out golfing on the weekends, not during the workweek.
“My religious beliefs preclude me from working on December 25.”
Sniffing out made up holidays has always been one of your boss’ key strengths.
“Sadly, I died suddenly in my sleep last night.”
Your boss can see you texting from your cubicle, dummy.
“It’s Saturday.”
And that stops you from doing work how?
“I quit.”
Yeah right. See you tomorrow.
