Sidney Powell plead guilty in Georgia for attempting to overturn the 2020 election on behalf of Donald Trump. Here is everything The Onion knows about the former Trump attorney’s guilty plea so far.
She Has To Apologize To A Dominion Voting Machine
After causing it considerable emotional harm, Powell now owes the machine system a heartfelt apology.
Five-Year Ban From Election Tampering
This restriction is for the Federal level only; state and local interference is still permitted.
Sex Offender Registration
Well, they certainly don’t fuck around in Georgia.
She Agreed To Marry Hunter Biden As Part Of Her Plea Deal
It may be the only way to bring the nation together.
Donald Trump Remains Unfailingly Loyal To Her
The former president has repeatedly offered to go to prison on her behalf and even die for her if necessary.
She’s Required To Post A Ukulele Apology Video Dedicated To The State Of Georgia
Like, subscribe, forgive.
She’s Really, Really So Sorry, For Real
Powell can’t emphasize enough how genuine her desire to go free and face no real consequences is.
She’ll Be Required To Meddle On Behalf Of 2024 Biden Campaign
As restitution, Powell will have to spearhead a campaign of lies against the eventual Republican nominee.
The Balance Of Democracy Is Cheaper Than A Used Car
Powell’s $6,000 fine proved more affordable than a rusted Honda with 200,000 miles.
She Is Still America’s Mom
Everyone loves her regardless of her flaws.
Agreed To Serve Probation As A CNN Analyst
The former Trump ally is already petitioning for an early release from her on-air duties.
She Proposed The Theory That Votes For Trump Are Worth 10 Points While Votes For Biden Are Worth 1 Point
It’s how William Howard Taft beat William Jennings Bryan in 1908.
Full Disclosure Of Her Barbecue Sauce Recipe
It’s just too tangy and delicious to not be entered into testimony.
Clearly Very Guilty
Powell’s only option was to take the plea deal after those red carpet pics with Sydney Sweeney came out.
Prison Is Scary
It really is!
This Won’t End Up Mattering
Life is easier once you accept Trump will never face meaningful consequences for his actions.
Literally Anyone Can Be A Lawyer
Some of the dumbest people on Earth are lawyers, and this proves it.
