Embarrassed Man Frantically Clears Search History After Googling Jets’ Playoff Chances

GALLOWAY, NJ—Cursing himself and sweating as he tried to eliminate all traces of what he’d done, embarrassed local man Chris Burnley was said to be frantically clearing his internet search history Friday after googling the New York Jets’ playoff chances. “Jesus Christ, what the fuck is wrong with you? No one can know you look at demented stuff like this,” the visibly sheepish man reportedly told himself as he quickly deleted a number of compromising searches from his history, including “Jets Super Bowl odds,” “can NY Jets win AFC East?” and “Zach Wilson MVP.” “God, what if someone walked in? What if one of my kids was using the computer and found this? I’ve got to get these sick urges out of my system without using the family computer. Goddamn it, I wish my old laptop still worked.” At press time, sources confirmed Burnley was rushing to the mailbox to get his Visa statement before his wife could find out that he’d used the couple’s credit card to bet on the Jets winning the Super Bowl.